After three years of being alone, I decided it was time to get out there and get back into life. I signed up for Match and Eharmony and POF. My first glimpse into this new world was a little scary. What if no one likes me? Then I got some hits. Now remember,at this time,I was a newbie. I didn’t know guys were just out there trolling. I gave out my email address way too easily. When I opened my email, my jaw dropped. I had received a full up close and personal erection picture. Yes people, I kid you not. I did not ask for this and certainly did not like this. Then I got another picture-of the full monty. Really? He went on about how he was a big corn fed boy and did I like what I saw? When I wrote back that this offended me and why did he think I would want to see this kind of thing from a complete stranger-he went off and changed completely stating that I was the one who had the issue, that I was a prude. Really? How does he even know that I wouldn’t have posted this on the internet?

That truly opened my eyes to the bad side of online dating.

Then you have the bad pickup lines, “Hey sexy, want to talk?” Or “I’m a nudist” or “My wife and I are looking for someone to join us” Or my favorite-”Want to fight zombies with me?”

I had gone on two dates. Each one seemed like it went very well. Always ending with an “I’ll call you” and a text saying “I really liked you” and then NOTHING. What is it with guys and thinking that’s ok? I would so rather you be honest and say while you enjoyed meeting, it just isn’t for you. Why is that like a foreign concept to these guys?

Oh and then there’s the story of the date where I went to his house to watch a movie. Before this there were hours of texting and talking on the phone. Then I get to his house and he can’t even get off the couch to open the door for me? I should have realized then and there that he wasn’t into me, but I was so looking for my Mr Right, that I ignored the warning signs. We watched two movies and then he led me to his bedroom. Yes I could have said no,but after three years, a girl has needs. After that, I hung out for a little while and realized then he was paying more attention to his dog then me,the woman he had just slept with! I went home,not really thinking too much about it. Then the texting stopped. I was always sending the first one. It finally dawned on me. I said,”is it me or are things weird now?” His reply? Are you ready for this? Was “I think we slept together too soon.” WTF! Really? This is what you’re saying to me right now? After you took me to your bed-I did not make the first move and this is what I get? Oh yeah people, I was pissed. This was another lesson I learned about online dating. Men will tell you anything to get you into bed.

I honestly never imagined that this would have a happy ending. But it does. I met someone so great and so like me, it’s freakin me out. We have known each other one week now and it’s nice and it’s easy and we really like each other. I think he may be around for a long time.

So I have deleted my online profile,as has he and I must admit, that online dating, while a full on mess of lying men can reveal that one perfect for you. If you are willing to put the time and effort into it. For me, it had been 6 months of bad pickup lines and bad dates. But in the end,for me, was worth it.

Let me tell you about a recent date.
Or, as it should more aptly be called – an epic disappointment.

Let me set the scene.

This is a guy who came out swingin’.
He’s VERY funny.

And y’all know – that’s my jam.

It’s probably THE most attractive quality in a guy (to me), so this guy – (let’s call him “Brian”), was “in” right from the get-go.
Let me give you an example of his sense of humor.

We’d been chatting online for a while, and I’d given him my number.
Then, this popped up on my phone one day out of the blue:

[I have a pic of an iphone screenshot I can submit... with his witty intro]

Things continued like this for a while – witty banter and all that. Swoon… Right?

Then, the other day, he texted to see if I wanted to hang out. He said his buddy had a table at a nightclub for his birthday and he wanted me to join them. We texted back and forth a bit about details… I was hesitant, because the whole nightclub thing isn’t really my scene – even though I LOVE to dance and shake what my momma gave me…
Anyway, finally he called and we talked and he convinced me to come. He was so sweet! He said it was gonna mostly be guys and (I’d thought I might be hanging with a girlfriend that night…wasn’t sure yet) I was welcome to bring my friend(s) with me.

So – I went outside my comfort zone and said yes. Eeek!
No grabbing a drink first to get to know him a little better before going to a noisy club.
Nope – just right into the “ntz-ntz-ntz” of Houston’s nightlife with a cute boy as my lure.

It was then that I discovered, I have no idea what one wears to a club! I mean, I go salsa dancing and country dancing all the time, but that’s different. I knew this crowd would be young and skinny and hip (so hip, in fact, that they would probably die before using the word “hip”) and I wanted to fit in without coming across like I was trying too hard. Knowing what I know now, I went the wrong direction. Hindsight is 36/24/36.

But, …I was naive. So – I wore skinny jeans, heels, a black sleeveless top and a smoky eye. (See picture below) If you’re wondering why I’m telling you all this, it’s for two reasons. One – I want to set the stage for you – that I was OUTSIDE my comfort zone, but trying my darndest to be daring and bold and embrace the spontaneity – all for the sake of that great search for love. Two – since I write a blog about dating and I talk as if I know a thing or two, I figure it’s only fair to admit that I’m no different from anyone else – I have no clue what I’m doing! And I have insecurities and areas of ignorance just like everyone else!! Put me in a jazzy cafe with wine and cheese and I can charm the socks off of you with my stimulating and clever conversation, but meet me at 11:00 at a thumping nightclub packed with perfect-bodied 26-year olds, and I’m a little thrown…

Ok – so – here’s me breaking it down with a girlfriend I forced to come with me…

[Again - I have a photo of me with my girlfriend dancing at the club before this guy showed up... I can e-mail it to you!?]

I think we’re adorable.

And – we DID have fun. I danced my TAIL off for hours. But…that’s not the point of the story. Let’s get back to Brian.

Brian was late. In his defense, he called me to tell me – and again, was very sweet and charming. He wanted to make sure we didn’t get there before him and then wonder where they were. Thoughtful, right? He gave me the name to use to get in (OH SO Sex-in-the-City) and my girlfriends and I decided to go ahead and get our dance on while we waited.

We arrived, paid the ridiculous fee to park in some crappy gravel lot across from the club, trounced through the grit with our heels and finally arrived at the velvet-roped entrance, only to discover that we were sorely underdressed. So, naturally – my level of nervousness plummeted another floor down. Greeting us at the door were men in sport coats and the most perfectly (and medically) sculpted woman in the shortest, reddest, tightest dress I’ve ever laid my judgmental eyes on. And they were just the beginning. The inside of this place was filled with the most beautiful people you’ve ever seen. It was like People magazine exploded into a room pulsing with sound and light. Jaw-droppingly gorgeous, well-dressed men and exquisitely manufactured women in the sparkliest dresses.

I’m pretty sure I was the only female in the room with only her God-given parts,
sans botox/extensions/implants/tucks/plastys and the like. But they all sure were glorious to look upon. The people I encounter when I go salsa dancing or 2-stepping are real people, out to have fun dancing. THESE people were like living mannequins and models parading their goods to sell to the highest bidder.

So – 11:00 turned into 11:30….turned into almost midnight before Brian arrived. And when he finally texted me that he was there, I assumed he’d come find me on the dance floor and greet me, show me to their table, etc. But no. I had to go hunt him down (always an ego boost), and when I found him (or rather, we sorta bumped into each other and then hugged),
he looked NOTHING like his profile photos OR the pictures he had JUST THAT DAY sent me on my phone.
He was considerably …um… more plentiful?… than his pictures had led me to believe.
So I had to put on a “yay! So happy to finally meet you!” face over-top of my more authentic “good glory, this guy’s a total fraud” thought crawler.

Now, I know some of you may be thinking – “isn’t that awfully hypocritical of you, Sarah? You’re imperfect and curvy. How can you expect a guy to be a chiseled demi-god when you’re so far from that yourself?” Well – maybe you weren’t thinking those exact words, but still – I hear your inner interrogation…I hear you and I raise you my answer.
Here’s the difference: I market myself AS I AM.
I put photos up that are recent and I include full-body shots to show the men on those sites what they’d be getting themselves into…
What they see is a true representation of how I look – flaws and all.

THIS guy was deceptive. He purposely duped me – and it left me feeling annoyed – almost angry – at the bait and switch. And the saddest part is (well – the saddest part up until THIS point in the story) – if he had shown me pictures of himself as he is right now – I still would’ve gone out with him. I still find him attractive! It’s his witty personality that grabbed me in the first place, and he’s got a great smile. So WHAT if he’s got a little cushioning – birds of a feather, right? But – he lied. It’s the false advertising that makes me so indignant.

Still… I was already there, I’d already ventured into the unknown and underdressed, so I wanted to spend some time with him…
you know… to preach the gospel of kale and other superfoods…
(oh, settle – I’m just teasing).
I wanted to either grab a drink or dance or sit and chat, but he was looking for a buddy and told me he’d come find me in a minute. So – I went back to the dance floor to get my shake on.

45 minutes later…
(yes – you read that correctly)

FORTY-FIVE friggin’ minutes later… I was getting peeved that I hadn’t seen any sign of him. I thought maybe because the place was so packed, he couldn’t find me. (I know, I know… I’m so naive…) So, I (once again), went looking for him. When I found him, he was being trailed by some 20-something smoking hot girl who’s body could only have been crafted by a team of specialists. There do not exist, in nature, breasts like those on a frame that skinny. I’m relatively certain she had some of her less-essential organs removed to get the full barbie ‘look’ she was sporting under her Oscar de la Renta knock-off.
WHAT? Who IS this girl? I stopped him and said, in my best “I’m just flirty and cool and zen and not at ALL annoyed that you’re ignoring me even though YOU asked ME to come tonight” voice, “Hey you! Come dance with me!” He muttered something about “in a minute…” while the eye candy behind him snickered and literally rolled her eyes. Again… WHAT? Who IS this girl? Is she some kind of club groupie? Is she part of some harem that I’ll eventually be asked to join (after multiple surgeries to completely alter my form)?

So – I went back to the dance floor. Again.
I danced for another 45 minutes and decided to leave. I texted him, “Gettin’ ready to leave…”

I heard nothing back.

Ever.

EVER!!

As in – not then. Not later that night. Not the next morning or at all the next day. Not all weekend… nothing. Nada. Zilch.
Like I was never even there.
Like he’d never even asked me – multiple times.
Like we’d never texted AND talked multiple times.

WTH??

So – this is my life now. I try to be edgy and enter into unfamiliar territory, for the sake of the cause… and I get too-many-burgers-jerk-store-special.

You’d think, at the very least, he’d validate my parking…

Sigh…

Lame message Received

Your profile is stellar. Really real and honest. I bet you have a mean back hand! Call me at XXX-801-0000 and we can discuss our nerdy idiosyncracies further. Take care.

 My Response

I never fully understand why people send me their number without even knowing my name…

how would that first phone call work exactly? Hi.. its me.. one of 15 girls you gave your number to…I’d likely then go out of my way to not answer directly and see how long before you admit that fact…and somehow magically … if you didn’t randomly give your number to 15 women… We all think you did.. so anyone calling you at that point.. again.. where you’ve never spoke and don’t know their name… is likely a whore.

Just some food for your online dating thought.

I get hit on fairly regularly. Mostly because I have a vagina and wear impressive heels. Sometimes I have a pretty face, but that’s not always a pre-req. I have learned the art of Bitch Face to try to thwart guys, but it doesn’t always seem to work. Because no matter how mad I look, guys till seem to leap out of weird places to hit on me. They catch me off guard and don’t allow me an easy exit. I guess this makes them smart? But, also super creepy.

This past week I was in the mall looking for a simple corset to pair with my Halloween costume. I knew I could find what I was looking for at a lower-end department store, so I headed that way. I was working my 5 inch thigh high boots, but the rest of me was looking a little dull after spending 9 hours at work. You can imagine my surprise when a short, older man leapt

out from the children’s carousel area and flagged me down. At first, I thought he was looking for a handout, because he came out so abruptly and said, “I don’t want to put you out or bother you but…” I never stopped moving, just slowed down my pace and hoped that he would get to the point where he asked for money. Instead, he said, “I just wanted to tell you that you are the prettiest girl in the mall. Where did you get those shoes?” Gee. The whole mall? Thanks… Please, not only was he shorter than me and I’m petite, but he was also almost 15 years older than me and lurking around the carousel area. Creepsauce for sure.

This past weekend, I went out with some girlfriends of mine. We found ourselves drinking cheap beer in a cliche subterranean hipster bar when these two dudes approached us. I was drunk, so I don’t remember their faces, but I remember what they said. They asked us what could easily be considered the new “Who do you think lies more, men or women?” pick up line; a little diddy that went a little like this: “Hi, we’re trying to create a funny and embarrassing online dating profile for our friend. We’re trying to think of things we can put on there. Do you have any suggestions?” Had the indie music not been so loud, they would have heard my head explode. I told them to say he was a virgin and walked away.

But one of the weirdest moments I’ve experienced this year was when I was walking in the parking lot after buying a vibrator from Adam and Eve. I wasn’t trying to run into anyone while
I ditched him, took my plastic friend home and then I went out. Joey never called. Thank God.holding a new plastic friend. Not to mention, I had just gotten out of yoga and was looking a hot mess, but this didn’t stop Joey. He swiftly approached me and said, “Can I ask you a question?” “Er..” “Do you read magazines?” I told him I did and asked why. He went onto say that he was selling some and that his name was Joey. He extended his hand in a businessy kind of way and smiled. I shook it with my free hand and said I wasn’t interested. But this wasn’t enough. He asked me what I was doing that night. I told him I was going out with my friends. And as luck would have it, he was too! What a coincidence. He asked where I was going and I mentioned a few bars. And as luck would have it again… those were his favorite
bars. Naturally. I then had mini-stroke and gave him my number when he asked for it. I really just wanted to escape the conversation.

Six months passed and I was at a cook out when my phone rang. It was a foreign zip code, so I answered expecting a telemarketer. But no, it was a Joey. He asked if I was in town and I said yes as I tried to remember who he was. This answer delighted him because he needed a ride from the airport later that week and he thought it would be cool if I gave him one. How sweet of hi

m to think of me. He had devised a whole plan. I would pick him up, we would go to his house, we would have dinner and then I would leave. Presumably, we would also have mediocre sex. I told him, “Joey, I’m so flattered that you called me and wanted ME to pick you up, but there are these things, I’m not sure if you’ve heard of them, but they are called taxis. You pay them and they drive you wherever you want to go. Cool, huh?” He didn’t like this answer and I hung up. This man had clearly gone through his entire phone, pitched this idea to several woman before me and then thought, “Oh, I know. I’ll call that girl with the vibrator that I met in the parking lot six months ago. Surely, she’ll be game.”

Hi, hello. Go screw yourself. Thanks for playing.

Lame Message

hey , great profile. anyhow,i’m ridiculously new to this thing so forgive me if i don’t have the proper internet edicate. no pics on here cause i am a youth worker and when i did have some pics up the first week, two students msged me on here and that’s just not cool.but i assure you i am a good looking guy…hopefully i’ll hear from you soon

Response

There are a million messages that look like this.. without photos… and they generally have this lame ass stupid excuse…  Your coworker/student/friend messaged you? You are so full of shit.. and even if they DID… What was the horrific conversation? I saw you on the dating SITE! WHERE UH… In order to message you .. I HAVE A PROFILE TOO… but… yeah.. “thats just not cool”…

What’s NOT cool… is you idiots who think that you can message me after seeing MY picture.. but feel somehow your words of  ”its ok im hot”… have merit. You fucking suck and are lame balls. Take a picture and include it. Every single time.