This post contains many instances of the word fuck. And cock too. They’re not my words, only quotes. If this sort of language offends you, don’t read on. But I suggest you do for a laugh and a cringe.

We no longer have to audition for a reality TV show to be rejected, ridiculed and harassed. We can get the experience using an online dating site. Who knew this sort of humiliation and superficiality would come so easily?

So I reinstated my online dating profile. As a friend told me, the quickest way to get over someone is to get under someone. Or on top. Whatever you prefer. I signed up to a free site – hell, it’s well and truly justified why I won’t pay for this experience. Maybe that’s what I am doing wrong. Maybe I should pay for better members?

I’ll say this up front. I haven’t actually been on any dates. I nearly had one. We texted for two weeks. He was nice. And then nothing. With most of them, I just can’t seem to get past their ridiculous online nature.

In the online dating world, words have double meanings. Fun means sex. Looking after yourself means slim and probably hair free. Easy going means lazy. Laid back means apathetic. And accepting usually means they’re not. And people are VERY bad spellers.

I have stated that I have a disability on my profile. I have used my picture. Not photoshopped. The real me. This often results in instant rejection. I am not their type. But it’s usually when I manage to be ‘accepted’ by another member that the problems arise.

Here is my profile

Never judge a book by its cover. Or a girl by her disability. If you take the time to get to know me, you will find out I am one of the most fabulous, fun and interesting people you will ever meet. I am a stylish, kind hearted and outgoing writer and TV presenter seeking friendship, romance and love.

I am a friendly, outgoing woman living in Melbourne and enjoy good food, cooking, comedy, seeing live bands, movies and fashion. I love to write – I keep a blog where I review concerts and restaurants.

I work full time as an events planner, and am a freelance writer and community TV presenter on the side. I am passionate about making a difference in the disability community.

I am very happy in life and am seeking that special someone to share it with. I am not your average girl.

Just by the by – I saw and avoided two members who had interesting profiles. One wrote “Are you retarded because you look pretty special to me?’. And another was called ‘Gspotstimulator’. Classy.

While I have managed to filter through some nasties to chat to some quite nice men (usually the more alternative types), the majority have just been weird. The ones that initially seem ok often are socially inept, isolated or unemployed. And the confident ones…wow.

I have had two members tell me they want to marry me. They don’t want a girlfriend. Just want a wife.

And the rudeness. Wow. I am astounded. It’s like the site gives people permission to behave like complete pricks. Of course, they are thinking with their penis. And so all manners are left in the ‘real world’. If these men were saying the things they do online in the ‘real world’, they’d be up for sexual harassment, or perhaps assault. It is appalling. And sometimes laughable. Men are throwing myself at me. Not in a good way. None are my Prince charming.

Most members are just after sex. Or ‘fun’. And so this desire gives them licence to ask whether I masturbate, whether they are the hottest man I’ve ever seen, whether they can show me themselves on webcam (“you make me sad ” when I said no.), whether they can meet me between 7-9 to discuss sex or marriage, and whether my disability still means I can suck cock. Yep. All true stories. And yes, I have deleted and blocked all of those members.

The conversation that takes the cake was this one. A rather cute guy said he liked my profile. Good start, I thought.

I told him what I do. My day job. That I am a writer and a TV presenter. He said, probably ignoring what I told him, “are you interested in meeting up for some sex?”. No.

Then he said “I may want a relationship in the future, but for starters, I just wanna fuck you”.

Wow. Flattering. Forward. Gross.

He asked me what I did again. I told him again. A writer and a TV presenter.

“Now I really wanna fuck u” he said. “I have never fucked a TV presenter before. That would be fucken mad as”.

OMG.

And then he asked for my number, and said “I have seriously never fucked anyone famous”.

Charmer. Be still my beating heart.

So i’m talking to this guy… who seems ok.. he says he does all kinds of interesting things… Owns his own company, takes salsa lessons and is a stellar cook.. He also says he is an artist. I ask him more about his art… He says.. well its kinda different… I press him… “different” online.. is rarely good.

He says….  I am necroman’tic artist….. A which I say?

Defined as:
Art which has been created using the remains of something that was once living and in some art pieces these dead pieces get mixed with inanimate objects.

Oookaies..

He goes on… “What does that mean visually? Basically, bones represent the dead and most people are grossed out by this but when displayed romantically in art they seem to have a new appreciation for it.” Check out the example.

and then sums up with… ” You have super attractive eyes. Can you donate them to me when you’re done with them? I’ll make something really beautiful with them LOL.”

Now… folks… i dont think i really need to explain that all forms of death should be left out of initial messages. Especially anything to do with having my eyes.. when i’m dead.  Just Don’t. Ever……

Ever.

On the heels of my chat with a fellow single friend, I leaped into the online dating pool. Right out the bat, sharks suffering from mid-life crisis swarmed, much to my dismay (thanks, but no thanks; my Daddy issues were resolved a long time ago).

Then there was Sloppy Joe, the self-proclaimed chef who didn’t make it past the initial text/phone calls. After asking me rather inappropriate questions (“So, do you have a six-pack?”), he turned out to be a little too obsessed with the fact that I am the same size as former Destiny’s Child member Kelly Rowland (I said I was her size; I never said I WAS her!).

He was immediately thrown back into the water. And blocked. Did I mention he didn’t have a six-pack himself, justifying his “girth” to a job requirement that has him tasting every meal prior to it going out to patrons? That’s not a job requirement; that’s just being slovenly. But one of my Tweeps found a link to a portable Kelly doll for him to play with (thanks, Steph!).

Undaunted, I pressed on, wading through the murky waters of dating. Seeing a profile that sounded promising, I contacted Date #1. His profile stated he was of athletic build, which was backed up by his pictures. We exchanged e-mails for about a week, and he was all gentleman. With common interests of jazz, travel and culture, we set a meeting for yesterday -

And so I begin my list of Seven Surefire Statements That Will Kill The Chance of a Second Date With Me:

1. Know What The True Meaning of Athletic Is: By all means, post a picture that is from the last decade. Did you think I wouldn’t notice that you are at LEAST 20 pounds heavier in person than the picture in your profile? And if your build is closer to Cedric the Entertainer than it is to Duane Johnson (aka The Rock), sweetie, you’re not athletic, you’re FAT

2. I Bet People Who Wonder Why You are Single Think You’re Gay:
Dude, if you are trying to be humorous, that means you are not; you’re just annoying

3. Do You Have An Innie or An Outtie?That’s really none of your business, seeing that you will NEVER get the chance to find out

4. Do You Use Oil of Olay? Your Complexion is So Radiant:
I will cut some slack on this statement, as it falls under a bona fide compliment (often given to me by both men and women). But not if you ask it when I am discussing the passing of my grandmother.

5. Who Does Your Eyebrows?
NOW who’s gay?!!

Ladies, if this is ever asked by a man, run – don’t walk!

6. Can I Take a Picture of You to Show My Dad? I Told Him I Was Meeting You Today:
CHECK, PLEASE!!!

7. Sexist Jokes:
You would think that in this day and age of politically-correct intellectuals, common sense would prevail. I will never repeat the disrespectful comment he made about domestic violence victims. Being that the, “Say NO – UNiTE To End Violence Campaign” is a cause that I hold near and dear to my heart, this was the ultimate dealbreaker for me.

So men, take note. The ignorant and inappropriate things that fall out of your mouths will be the reason why the last you’ll see of me is the glimmer of my heels running away from you.

Sometime a girl just wants to go out.

Last night i felt the desire… I had spent the day at a high end mall, and actually counted 12 separate women walking around this mall with small dogs in their purse. I thought that phased out when Paris had her sex tape. At “high end malls r us” the trend is alive and well. Anyway… I decide to spend some money on make up, hair and clothes and figure.. hey .. its saturday i should find myself a date.

The online mission commences. Within a few moments of being logged in. An extremely attractive black and white photo man(everyone looks hotter in black and white)… says hi. He writes a lengthy paragraph that oozes intelligence, charm and smarts. Matched with the stellar photos… Something is up.

He asks to get together for a drink. I do the typical … heres my phone lets chat a moment to make sure your articulate and can form sentences. He is just as witty and charming on the phone. Definitely something up. Time to… GOOGLE!

I love google…. It now in a few moments reduced lying cheating scum to smears. As it did here. This man was of course married… with 3 freaking kids. SurpRISE. What was more surprising to me though.. was her. She was beautiful, a swim champ… volunteers.. and there was no way 3 kids came from that body. Yet here was her darling husband.. willing to cheat on her.

I of course call Mr INM out. “whos Tara”?

The squirming ensues.

“oh thats my ex.. where did you dig that up from?”

Sure sure ex… thats why a google search produces the two of you as coaches on your kids soccer team, photos at someone else wedding and her job and yours.

I calmly cut and paste his contact info.. hers.. and a slew of other info into an email.. tell him to smarten up.. and to have a good one.

I often feel i should email said wife.. and be like HEY.. your husbands an asshole. But ive since learned its better to stay out of it.

When in the past i have done such things.. the women never take it well. They usually lash out at you.

“What are you his whore?” …  Uh.. no.. i never met him actually but thought you should know…

“OH WELL THEN… if you never met him what do you know?” And generally Mr Married profile disappears and becomes another name.. or takes the public photo down.

Sometimes the women are ok with it.

“Uh yeah bitch. I fuck his best friend regularly so i let him date online now. Don’t you worry… he knows who hes coming home to.”

Whatever floats your boat folks. I think you are disgusting, but there are groups JUST for you people who don’t think its disgusting. A cesspool of I have no sexual morals. Swingers R Us. Don’t attempt to come out of that little pool and pollute the rest of us with your games.

So.. i am pretty sure i have just had every online experience you can have… ever…

i just got this message

Funny Message

hi there, i just wanted to pop in and tell you that your gourgeous!!!

have a great evening!!!

Miss X  Response

nothing wierd there…

except oh..  when i click on the profile it comes from…

A CROSS DRESSING “I like to get on my knees and take it, in the mouth….mmmm….looking to meet up and give some. let me know how big it is and what you want to do with it”  (direct profile quote) MAN with 5 lovely photos of him/her in high heels and skirts…