I get hit on fairly regularly. Mostly because I have a vagina and wear impressive heels. Sometimes I have a pretty face, but that’s not always a pre-req. I have learned the art of Bitch Face to try to thwart guys, but it doesn’t always seem to work. Because no matter how mad I look, guys till seem to leap out of weird places to hit on me. They catch me off guard and don’t allow me an easy exit. I guess this makes them smart? But, also super creepy.
This past week I was in the mall looking for a simple corset to pair with my Halloween costume. I knew I could find what I was looking for at a lower-end department store, so I headed that way. I was working my 5 inch thigh high boots, but the rest of me was looking a little dull after spending 9 hours at work. You can imagine my surprise when a short, older man leapt
out from the children’s carousel area and flagged me down. At first, I thought he was looking for a handout, because he came out so abruptly and said, “I don’t want to put you out or bother you but…” I never stopped moving, just slowed down my pace and hoped that he would get to the point where he asked for money. Instead, he said, “I just wanted to tell you that you are the prettiest girl in the mall. Where did you get those shoes?” Gee. The whole mall? Thanks… Please, not only was he shorter than me and I’m petite, but he was also almost 15 years older than me and lurking around the carousel area. Creepsauce for sure.
This past weekend, I went out with some girlfriends of mine. We found ourselves drinking cheap beer in a cliche subterranean hipster bar when these two dudes approached us. I was drunk, so I don’t remember their faces, but I remember what they said. They asked us what could easily be considered the new “Who do you think lies more, men or women?” pick up line; a little diddy that went a little like this: “Hi, we’re trying to create a funny and embarrassing online dating profile for our friend. We’re trying to think of things we can put on there. Do you have any suggestions?” Had the indie music not been so loud, they would have heard my head explode. I told them to say he was a virgin and walked away.
But one of the weirdest moments I’ve experienced this year was when I was walking in the parking lot after buying a vibrator from Adam and Eve. I wasn’t trying to run into anyone while
I ditched him, took my plastic friend home and then I went out. Joey never called. Thank God.holding a new plastic friend. Not to mention, I had just gotten out of yoga and was looking a hot mess, but this didn’t stop Joey. He swiftly approached me and said, “Can I ask you a question?” “Er..” “Do you read magazines?” I told him I did and asked why. He went onto say that he was selling some and that his name was Joey. He extended his hand in a businessy kind of way and smiled. I shook it with my free hand and said I wasn’t interested. But this wasn’t enough. He asked me what I was doing that night. I told him I was going out with my friends. And as luck would have it, he was too! What a coincidence. He asked where I was going and I mentioned a few bars. And as luck would have it again… those were his favorite
bars. Naturally. I then had mini-stroke and gave him my number when he asked for it. I really just wanted to escape the conversation.
Six months passed and I was at a cook out when my phone rang. It was a foreign zip code, so I answered expecting a telemarketer. But no, it was a Joey. He asked if I was in town and I said yes as I tried to remember who he was. This answer delighted him because he needed a ride from the airport later that week and he thought it would be cool if I gave him one. How sweet of hi
m to think of me. He had devised a whole plan. I would pick him up, we would go to his house, we would have dinner and then I would leave. Presumably, we would also have mediocre sex. I told him, “Joey, I’m so flattered that you called me and wanted ME to pick you up, but there are these things, I’m not sure if you’ve heard of them, but they are called taxis. You pay them and they drive you wherever you want to go. Cool, huh?” He didn’t like this answer and I hung up. This man had clearly gone through his entire phone, pitched this idea to several woman before me and then thought, “Oh, I know. I’ll call that girl with the vibrator that I met in the parking lot six months ago. Surely, she’ll be game.”
Hi, hello. Go screw yourself. Thanks for playing.